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Warhammer puns, jokes and gags

Aren73Aren73 Junior MemberPosts: 391Registered Users
in General Discussion
Because we might as well have a meaty thread to sink our teeth into ;)
BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD, SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE, MILK FOR THE KHORNE FLAKES!

Team Vampire Counts
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Comments

  • SiWISiWI Senior Member Posts: 9,001Registered Users
    start with a classic:
    Give your Kids Khorneflakes, so they will stop to nurgle.
    How could a Warhammer TW look/play like?

    http://forums.totalwar.com/showthread.php/140687-My-Personal-vision-for-a-Warhammer-Total-War?p=1246191&posted=1#post1246191

    My magic school for TW: Warhammer
    https://forums.totalwar.com/discussion/166275/siwis-school-for-the-helpful-use-of-the-winds-magic-to-overcome-your-foes/p1
    Flag · 1Like
  • BloodClawBloodClaw Senior Member Posts: 303Registered Users
    edited February 2016
    How many empire engeniers does it take to change a light bulb?
    One. But there is a 1 in 6 chance that it will explode.

    How many dwarves does it take to change a light bulb?
    None. If that lightbulb was good enough for my grandfather it is good enough for ME!!

    I stoles this from another thread on another forum so I'm doing the right thing and leaving a link as to credit it :p
    http://www.bugmansbrewery.com/topic/4789-warhammer-jokes/
    My dream has come true my favourite game franchise (total war) + my favourite lore (warhammer) are collaborating for a truly divine game !!!!!

    For some TW lets play's or my prediction and information videos on TW: Warhammer 2 - visit my youtube: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCEWi55_w4pBFCy06QGTdOBw[url]

    Twitch : [/url]https://www.twitch.tv/blood_claw[url][/url]
    Flag · Like
  • SviavlediSviavledi Junior Member Posts: 173Registered Users
    Aaw, my joke got deleted. What a dry victorian forum this turned out to be...

    Let's make it cleaner than. Two Elf couples decided to switch partners for a day. After several hours of intense housekeeping, the one Elf asked the other "I wonder how the girls are doing". :P
    Flag · 1Like
  • HeroofRome1HeroofRome1 Member Posts: 1,523Registered Users
    Play Vermintide.......
    Team Rome, Team Byzantium, Team Dwarfs, Team Empire, Team Bretonnia Team Grim, Team elf slayers, Team Belegar.
    Flag · Like
  • Aren73Aren73 Junior Member Posts: 391Registered Users
    A Skaven warlord walks into a DE magic shop and goes,
    "have you got any warpstone?"
    The elf replies,
    "No sorry, we sell only potions"
    The Skaven leaves the shop.

    The next day the Skaven comes back to the shop.
    "have you got any warpstone?"
    The elf replies,
    "No sorry, we sell only potions"
    The Skaven leaves the shop again.

    The next day the Skaven comes in again.
    "have you got any warpstone?"
    The elf grabs the Skaven.
    "Look. ive told you before. We sell potions, not warpstone. If you ask for warpstone once more I'll spear your tail to the wall!"
    The Skaven leaves, looking sheepish.


    the next day the skaven returns.
    "have you got any spears?"
    The elf replies,
    "no sorry, we sell only potions"
    The Skaven grins and says,
    "In that case, can I have some warpstone?"

    From

    http://z4.invisionfree.com/thedarkfour/ar/t29.htm
    BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD, SKULLS FOR THE SKULL THRONE, MILK FOR THE KHORNE FLAKES!

    Team Vampire Counts
    Flag · 2Like
  • ThanquolThanquol Senior Member SkavenblightPosts: 2,017Registered Users
    Age of Sigmar....
    "Fear me for I am Grey Seer Thanqol, Greatest TWW player in all of Skavendom."

    Team Skaven

    Which team are you? Post in your signature

    Team Empire Team Bretonnia Team Kislev Team Dwarf Team Chaos Dwarf Team High Elves
    Team Dark Elves     Team Wood Elves Team Warriors of Chaos Team Daemons of Chaos
    Team Beastmen     Team Vampire Counts Team Tomb Kings Team Orcs and Goblins
    Team Ogre Kingdoms     Team Lizardmen Team Skaven




    Flag · 2Like
  • ErminazErminaz Senior Member Las Vegas, Nevada, USAPosts: 5,345Registered Users
    edited February 2016
    Grey Seer Thanquol said:

    Age of Sigmar....

    More of an insult than a joke. :)
    Tacitus Quotes:
    Auferre, trucidare, rapere, falsis nominibus imperium; atque, ubi solitudinem faciunt, pacem appellant.
    They plunder, they slaughter, and they steal: this they falsely name Empire, and where they make a wasteland, they call it peace.

    Corruptissima re publica plurimae leges.
    The more numerous the laws, the more corrupt the government.

    I found Rome a city of filth covered marble and left it a pile of rubble. - Me
    Flag · Like
  • FredrinFredrin Senior Member LondonPosts: 2,985Registered Users
    I tried to think of some good puns but all my attempts were way too poorhammer
    Flag · 1Like
  • CHARLOTTEB_CACHARLOTTEB_CA Administrator Posts: 3,031Registered Users
    Couldn't resist jumping in here!

    my personal Fav!

    "You know you've been playing WFB too long when you call every kitchen utensil a choppa"
    Formal disclaimer: any views or opinions expressed here are those of the poster and do not necessarily represent the views or opinions of The Creative Assembly or SEGA.
    Flag · 1Like
  • SuperbobrikSuperbobrik Senior Member Posts: 171Registered Users

    Team Orcs and Goblins
    Flag · 3Like
  • ThanquolThanquol Senior Member SkavenblightPosts: 2,017Registered Users
    edited February 2016
    A drunk Halfling once said i looked like Elvis, to him i said.

    "Thanquol, Thanquol very much"
    "Fear me for I am Grey Seer Thanqol, Greatest TWW player in all of Skavendom."

    Team Skaven

    Which team are you? Post in your signature

    Team Empire Team Bretonnia Team Kislev Team Dwarf Team Chaos Dwarf Team High Elves
    Team Dark Elves     Team Wood Elves Team Warriors of Chaos Team Daemons of Chaos
    Team Beastmen     Team Vampire Counts Team Tomb Kings Team Orcs and Goblins
    Team Ogre Kingdoms     Team Lizardmen Team Skaven




    Flag · 1Like
  • LuciferLucifer Member England U.KPosts: 1,250Registered Users
    A day in the life of a dwarf

    Standing at the bar having a quiet pint at night
    In walks an orc spoiling for a fight
    He looks at me and says don't bother getting up
    Another grudge to go in the book an overflowing cup

    I says "Ah but, I am already standing up, you dork."
    He laughs at me and says "Do you have speech problems, I am but an orc."
    Grinding teeth my beard sweeping the floor
    He looks at me again and says "Oh, do you want some more."

    Swinging his axe he shouts "You'll meet the "Choppa!"
    With orcish sarcasm I say "it is but made from Coppa"
    Snarling and drooling he steps forward axe swinging
    I side step, and with a big dwarfen boot in it a goes a winning (mwhaha)
    With a grunt and a groan this orc fell with a moan
    Just one more grudge avenged in our dwarfen tome.





    "Surrender and serve me in life, or die and slave for me in death." - Vlad von Carstein

    My steam workshop Warhammer II mods
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  • WintergentWintergent Junior Member The northPosts: 28Registered Users
    Oh dear you guys have been hammering these jokes... ;)
    Flag · Like
  • HeroofRome1HeroofRome1 Member Posts: 1,523Registered Users
    HOLY SIGMAR BLESS THIS RIDICULOUS (now ravaged by this joke) THREAD!

    Nah the thread is not ridiculous its funny, but things like this make it more funny.
    Team Rome, Team Byzantium, Team Dwarfs, Team Empire, Team Bretonnia Team Grim, Team elf slayers, Team Belegar.
    Flag · 1Like
  • Flyinpenguin117Flyinpenguin117 Member Posts: 334Registered Users
    40k, but still relevant

    Born to go into harm's way, come all! Ye hell or high waters be damned! No lightning, no thunder nor hurricane gale can stand in the face of his wrath.
    Be he beneath his enemy's feet or by cloud where their gaze can not go, when Leviathan rise, every last man shall shake to the core of his soul.
    Flag · 1Like
  • TotalWarhammerTotalWarhammer Posts: 137Registered Users

    Flag · 4Like
  • ErminazErminaz Senior Member Las Vegas, Nevada, USAPosts: 5,345Registered Users
    edited February 2016




    Tacitus Quotes:
    Auferre, trucidare, rapere, falsis nominibus imperium; atque, ubi solitudinem faciunt, pacem appellant.
    They plunder, they slaughter, and they steal: this they falsely name Empire, and where they make a wasteland, they call it peace.

    Corruptissima re publica plurimae leges.
    The more numerous the laws, the more corrupt the government.

    I found Rome a city of filth covered marble and left it a pile of rubble. - Me
    Flag · 2Like
  • GingerRoeBroGingerRoeBro Senior Member Posts: 2,323Registered Users
    edited February 2016
    ^Very funny indeed

    Khorne flakes has to be my fav though lol
    Bigger Budget for game 3?

    They're gonna need it for all of the monogod glory.
    Which will be the "4 distinct gods representing the different aspects of Chaos such as Khorne, Slaanesh, Tzeentch, and Nurgle." :blush: ^CA quote

    Thank you CA for seeing them as what they truly are.
    Let the Games Begin!
    https://warhammerfantasy.fandom.com/wiki/The_Great_Game
    Flag · Like
  • GoslingGosling Senior Member Posts: 1,887Registered Users
    When a Goblin Fanatic goes through your own unit of Boyz...

    Orkward... :p
    "I'm gonna stomp 'em to dust. I'm gonna grind their bones. I'm gonna burn down dere towns and cities. I'm gonna pile 'em up inna big fire and roast 'em. I'm gonna bash heads, break faces, and jump up and down on the bits that are left.


    An' den I'm gonna get really mean."

    Grimgor Ironhide, Black Orc Warboss.
    Flag · 1Like
  • TotalWarhammerTotalWarhammer Posts: 137Registered Users
    How about Total Warhammer as a game title? :p
    Flag · Like
  • Flyinpenguin117Flyinpenguin117 Member Posts: 334Registered Users
    Khazrak_the_One_Eye said:

    How about Total Warhammer as a game title? :p

    Total Total War: Warhammer Hammer
    Born to go into harm's way, come all! Ye hell or high waters be damned! No lightning, no thunder nor hurricane gale can stand in the face of his wrath.
    Be he beneath his enemy's feet or by cloud where their gaze can not go, when Leviathan rise, every last man shall shake to the core of his soul.
    Flag · 1Like
  • StormofaleStormofale Posts: 103Registered Users
    edited February 2016
    Not really warhammer fantasy, but a few good wh40k jokes xD
    http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/598617

    Edit - just noticed this isn't the YouTube video, a little nsfw
    Flag · Like
  • Flyinpenguin117Flyinpenguin117 Member Posts: 334Registered Users
    I wanted to do this for the photoshop thread, but missed the deadline. Then I did it anyways.


    Born to go into harm's way, come all! Ye hell or high waters be damned! No lightning, no thunder nor hurricane gale can stand in the face of his wrath.
    Be he beneath his enemy's feet or by cloud where their gaze can not go, when Leviathan rise, every last man shall shake to the core of his soul.
    Flag · 1Like
  • CHARLOTTEB_CACHARLOTTEB_CA Administrator Posts: 3,031Registered Users
    @Flyinpenguin117 Amazing!
    Formal disclaimer: any views or opinions expressed here are those of the poster and do not necessarily represent the views or opinions of The Creative Assembly or SEGA.
    Flag · Like
  • SetrusSetrus Senior Member SwedenPosts: 18,131Registered Users
    edited February 2016
    Bretonnian Men At Arms expressions/synonyms:

    Overbearing knight = My king, "And then my king of course came by and told me to scrub his chamberpot again..."

    Faith-based initiative = Knightly charge

    Sticks and stones = trebuchet

    Moral support = peasant longbowmen

    Big dog = commanding yeoman warden, "And big dog there lead the patrol, which of course meant a hard march."

    Emigration = errantry war, "Yeah, so he sent an emigration south, I tell you, that won't end well..."

    Ice queen = Damsel, "Of course she didn't look at me twice, you know what ice queens are like."

    Nutters = Grail pilgrims

    Rally point = battle standard bearer

    Dirtmen = peasants

    Eu de dirt= the distinct smell of a peasant

    The horny = beastmen

    Wannabes = mounted yeomen

    The saint = the chef

    Our lady = priestess of shallaya
    Don't worry.

    Some of my favourite screenshots.
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